I didnt search or visit my livejournal on purpose. I was there unintended. So since I'm there already then ya, I started reading my past entries .... read and read, there's this post with a picture Brother and you were in it. and i labelled "Favourite boys"

I kept staring at the picture as though it was freaking recent. but hell no it was a year ago when you were still alive and kicking.

Unpleasant thoughts just came hitting me on random timings. and this random thoughts are always the same. Its about you. Its about the thought you left, that instant moment you left, the last feelings I'd of you. Why are all these thoughts so freaking recent, so freaking the same . Yes I live life normally, i try. really hard..but... I miss you dearly. Always have the thoughts that you left forever, I cant bring myself to accept. But accepting or not its not even my choice. I am infact left with no options. I dont have magical powers to bring you back to life. I do not have.

If you're talking bout miracles, maybe...... no, i cant say its totally fake. Because I still remember that night when I wrote on my diary saying "If you ever hear me, come to jiejie dream, let me feel touch see you and ensure everything is ok" And on the same particular night, you did. you really really did. When I woke up I was dumb folded. Happy anot, glad, I don't know. All I knew was I know you heard me.

Enough said,

the tears seems to be on its verge again

whats new, anyway?

I dont know what kinda mood or rather feelings I've every moment. It seems to vary very often these days. I know , I know it'd always been revolving around the same thing. Nothing eases. and that is true. more often said than not, Move on... and just looked forward. Easier said than really do. Who enjoys rollar coaster emotional rides? You do? I don't. No one does. but its not like a feeling which can easily be controlled. I miss him and that its true. I always wake up really wish I can still see him again. really. my heart still hurt significantly every single time I recalled the instant moment he left. My heart hurts....

It do come to a point whereby I wondered what's the reason for me to be at least hanging on...... I am very firm of having a very determined bright future with Ivan but the thought to go through all these examinations, having to be stressed over the results and the topics makes me sometime feel if..... It's necessary for myself to go through these. I mean I know nothing lasts without hard work.... Or rather, hard works pays off eventually. I guess I'm just ranting cause' at the end of the day I am still firm with what I ever want. No doubt getting there requires really alot of..... Efforts. I'll continue to go for what I want. I will.

Happy Mothers Day was spent entirely home with the family. I prepared foods, nothing can ever go wrong with the Parents, Sibling , ahma and all.
































Unconditionedtwowaylove.
Because I know no matter what, they will always protect me just like I will too.

ILoveyoumomdadahmadi

left my company again, I know I'm like a very pro active in job hoppings but it wasnt intended. I thought I can last also, I mean I do not have intention to disrupt my plans which I've layed sometime ago but too bad, the entire company structure just sucks. I cant get along with my team mates and maybe my bias manager but shes nice I mean I dont know if its genuine. errr, it dont matter anymore also, right? Netball became a sport which I cant go without. it keeps me going, it keeps me running, sweating, relaxing, exercising, keeping fit and yes, it gives me energy. at least it keeps me moving, at least My boyfriend Jerrome and I are doing fine, we are perhaps... learning again to be more patience with each other. hopefully all these continue:) He calls me SweetGirl and I call him Sweetboy hahaha. We are trying to maintain the Sweetness you call it


















Iloveyou

I realized I stopped writing. I kinda stopped writing in the diaries of mine, in the pretty books of mine. I stopped....writing. I was trying to find back the kinda "momentum" and plannings and... being organized habits but I was not near to having them back. I tried, I know I tried to find back those habits but I dont know why, it cant be my pen, writing, all of the sudden seems so difficult. Could it be I'm not satisfied with my handwritings, Could it be.. I don't have the patience to recall, Could it be my hands are just lazy and tired. Well, I got zero ideas indeed.
Luckily I'm not sick of having a online dairy yet, Infact I guess I wont too.. cos here's probably the surviving tool of my expressions.

My mother and I were roaming at Isetan, err, maybe not, it was with a purpose. I was there to look for my clinque products. Okay so after confirming that those are what I wana buy, my mother randomly asked about some "年纪比较大的用那一个?" so when the women introduced, we were like "oh....oh.... so the price is...." okay then yadayada, I knew she find it quite expensive for a bottle of serum less than maybe 80ml? I asked her if she wants, she said no, but you know those kinda reluctance. I can see it, I can feel it. but.. but when I said, "I buy, for you, Mothers' Day" all of a sudden, I dont know what I know she felt "DING DING DING....!!!" like happy, I kept observing and... yes, she was happy with me saying "I will buy for you" it was a kinda feeling where you dont know what perfect words can you piece up with, it seems like a in depth natural bonding a mother and her daughter could have. I know in times of good or bad, my mother is around. always have been. And now I know she feels the same. In times of good Or bad, I will be around. Awesome, I love you my mother. very extremely too much. :)

coolies



another bunch, they are awesome too and im really serious. too bad yide is away, else it'll be complete. my wonderful new friendship, iheartyou. :)

GirlFriend's 21st

the best thing can happen actually, is to have a bunch of very nice & Sweet Girlfriends.. even though we dont meet everyday but when it comes to birthday especially, you know that they will make it a blast , you just know that every single one of them will try all their power means to buy a expensive nice gifts, all the decoratives, the cake, the dining place. all. and i mean everyone of them ; Thank you for being apart in my Life, the 6 of you:)





<3













Birthday Girl Shirui treated us over to HardRock Cafe, nice and expensive! xD thank you for the treats :) Followed by Party World, and we'd a surpised for her credits go to (Shevone and Singyee) :D

it was great, the companion were just awesome and the kinda updates gossips , fun we'd were crazy , wish to hv more of it :)


















hmm , and this beautiful cake was made by Amanda and Yanhan ! (I was there to extra only) such lovely cake, right:)














and this is what we got for her!





alliknowistheyaresuchsweetgirlsreally.







I know you're happy. xoxo. loveyou .xoxo